The First Cut is the Deepest
I've decided, after long thought, that I'm not going to quit. I'm going to stick with this. Mostly because I don't think I could deal with life, without it. Lately, every time something happens, I just want to write about it.
. My sister, Aspen, called today. I was seriously in shock for like ten minutes. Then I realized that this was the first time I have ever talked to her in my life. I haven't even ever writen or e-mailed her or anything. It was weird. I guess she's coming to visit us in like two weeks, but I can't decide whether I'm happy, sad, mad, or what. This may sound stupid, but I guess I still hold a grudge against her for never trying to be a part of our lives. Now that it is conveinient for her, we're supposed to just act like the past doesn't exist, well fuck that. Everyone else may be able to just forgive and forget, but I'm not like that. If she thinks that now, because she wants to be a part of our lives after all this time, that I'm just going to except her as my sister and share my life with her, then she is in for a rude awakening. She wasn't there when I wanted and needed her, so why should I be there for her. Where was she when dad came home drunk every night, or when I got in my first car accident, or when I lost my virginity, or when dad left, or when I broke up with Kyle, or when I'm sad, or on any of my birthdays, or when I'm alone and just need somebody. She has never been there for me before and I've learned to live with it. When people ask how many siblings I have I don't say five, I say four. The thing that shook me up the most was that I expected to talk to her and it just be like I was talking to one of my sisters, but it wasn't. I felt like she could of been a telemarketer and it wouldn't have been any different. I just have so many mixed emotions about her. The minute I got off the phone with her I couldn't decide whether to skip around the room, or cry, or throw something through the window.
On a lighter note, mom just got home and she bought me a pack of cigarettes. Even the right kind. She is a great woman. You don't even know how happy I am right now. HEHE! O HAPPY DAY! And tomorrow is my last day of school this week! Yeah.
I started reading The Color Purple today. Great book. Seriously, I recommend it to all. I'm tired though, so more tomorrow. Luvs
posted by Sorrowful Stranger @ 12:13 AM
2 Comments:
oh honey, I know that you guys don't know Aspen and I am not trying to make you feel better about this, maybe it is just the big sister coming out. And maybe I am trying to make you feel better about it. But she was just a kid in all this too. So many things happened that I don't really care to go into that made it so we didn't see her. She isn't going to be just like one of us, because Mom raised us differently than her Grandparents did. She got married recently and they had to move and she JUST moved back into town very recently. She emails me and I've talked to her on the phone. I did fall into a whole "we are sisters" mode, but it is prolly because I knew her better.
And when people ask me how many siblings I've got I say 5, and then I explain all about the whole situation. I hope any of this makes sense. I don't want you to hate her because she had no control over what her parents did. Also, it is hard for people to visit when they aren't close. Look at me, I would be bugging the shit out of you everyday if I could.
Also, so glad that you decided against quitting. Yay, I hope I helped. ;p
Post a Comment
<< Home