College

The lady from Brooks Institute of Photography called me today! I'm so excited that I can't sleep! This is my dream college and I really can't see myself going anywhere else. Pray for me to get accepted!

Scars

It's graduation week and I thought I'd be a lot more prepared for it than I am. Misty, Liz, Heather, Natasha, Phil, and a lot of my other friends are graduating and I don't know what I'll do without them here when I need them.

Everyone keeps telling me that nothing will change, but it already has, maybe I'm just the only one who notices. We've all stopped hangin out as much and I feel like I'm getting left behind by everyone except Laura and Sarah.

I really don't want to go to graduation on Monday. It's supposed to be a celebration, but to me, it's more like a funeral. The reminder that everything I've known for the past 5 years is changing and that the best years of my life are coming to a violent close. The death of my comfort and security, my whole life. All I can do now is hold on as tight as I can to the memories of the greatest people I've ever met, they have all changed me and my life forever. That's why it's just so hard to let go, I guess.

• Who will I call when I want to hang out and have fun? Heather won't answer the phone.
• Who will I go to for a laugh in the hallways of LHS or a friendly smile? Phil will only be the brief sense of nostalgia as I walk to my next class.
• Who will I have to call my house 50 times to make sure I'm ok when I go home drunk? Natasha won't be lookin out for me anymore.
• Who will tackle me from behind while I'm getting stuff out of my locker? Misty's wrestling days are over.
• Who will I have to swap dirty jokes with? Liz will be just a comedian of memory.

We are always told that one day, there will be a great dicision for you to make, a crossroads in your life which will lead you in different directions... I believe that one of those dicisions have finally come upon me...

As much as I hate to admit it, things are changing and there is nothing I can do about it. I can ignore it, but that doesn't mean it will stop changing, it just means it will change without me. So I guess I'll just hang on as tight as I can to what's still here and get ready for the ride of a lifetime.

Luv you all.

Sorry about not posting in awhile. It was my birthday week this week, so I wasn't home much.

Tonight I went out with Head and Austin and we got drunk and smoked some weed. But it was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long time. First I talked to Emily, who I haven't talked to in like 3 weeks. She's like a sister to me and I've missed her so much. I thought she hated me now for some reason, but she's like, " I've missed you so much, and I thought you were mad at me." So it was all good, then she tells me she's moving to St. Louis next monday! I freaked out. I don't know what I'll do without her!

Then she tells me that Kyle, my ex, is dating Shelly now and that he has been ever since we broke up. FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! He swore to me that he didn't like anyone else and that he just didn't want to date anyone right now. HE SWORE TO ME! It fucking pissed me off so much! And now he's pretty much stopped hanging out with anyone except Shelly. Once again, Fuck Him. He can go suck a cock. I hope he falls off a fucking cliff.

But then I went out and was just having fun, when Austin tells me that I'm supposed to fuck this guy, Josh. I was like ummmmmmmmmm ok. So then Austin and everyone was on my fucking back all night!! I was so glad when Heather said we were leaving. But it isn't that I don't like him it's just that I'm supposed to make the first move and that isn't exactly my strong point. Besides the fact that all his friends are always at his house so it's never just the two of us! It was just a crappy night and I'm glad that I'm about to go to bed.

Last night was pretty bad to, I almost kicked my friends ass, it's a good thing she was to much of a pussy to get out of her car! Anyways then tonight on the way home I started thinking about my childhood and I realized that almost all the memories I have are bad ones. It was so depressing! But I'm gonna go to sleep. Luvs

Wonderful

Had to take the stupid fucking WYCAS tests today and again tomorrow and the next day, then on Friday I get to take the Terra Nova tests. YIPPIEE!!!!!!!!!! But I'm not letting it get me down. My birthday starts on Sunday! I'm so excited. The reason it starts on Sunday is because my birthday always last a week instead of just one stupid day that inevitably get's fucked up. Yess seven days celebrating my seventeen years of life! Kylie is a week old today! It's hard to believe she is only a week old. Gosh I got her to smile at me today for the first time! I never knew something so small could make me so happy!

So I started a list today of things I have to do before the end of the school year. I'm not very far but here it is anyway.

1. Tell all my friends and family how much they mean to me.
2. Worry less
3. Concentrate on school and plan my future
4. Quit smoking
5. Party with people I haven't in a long time at least once. This includes: Mashawna, Shannon, Chris, Zack, Levi, The Bearcreek Guys, Taliesha, Steph, Colleen, Misty, Kyle B., both Chads, Emily, Spencer, Sarah, Laura, Dani, Phil, Natasha, Reanan, Ryan, The Lechers, Nicole, Josh, Ryan, Oompa, Brianne, Britney, Shannon W., Tracy, Nicole W., and Liz.
6. Finish my scrapbook
7. Get completely over Kyle

That's all I have so far, but I'm workin on it. My short term goal for this weekend is to have a great time and get laid. I don't know if it will work out but I would be so ecstatic if it did! I haven't gotten laid since the day before the superbowl! It's my turn! All my love.

I Miss You

I Miss You
by Sally
I miss your smile I miss your laugh I miss everything about you.
I see you everyday and all I can do is smile and wave.
When I really want you back I care so much for you.
I don't understand what did I do?
I thought we would be together for so long
You were so sweet and charming with you words you said.
But something happened I don't know what went wrong
I cried so hard just lying in my bed.
I say I am over you but I really know
I can't forget you and I never will.
I want you back and I love you so.
You don't even care and don't even know.
I saw you the other day
Talking to some girl I don't know
I stopped and stared I just couldn't look away.
It hurt so bad why did it have to turn out this way?
I guess we'll never be together again like I had wished.
I'll never forget you and the times we had.
The places we went and when we kissed.
I don't hate you and I am not pissed.
I just miss you so but I guess you'll never know.

I don't know what's wrong with me! It's been like three weeks since me and Kyle broke up and I still miss him soooooooo much. I think about him atleast once a day. It hurts so bad that I don't see him anymore. And the last time I did see him I didn't even get to talk to him, we just said hi to each other and then he left. I just don't understand why I can't get over him. I can't even be with anyone else because everytime I am I always compare them to Kyle and they never even come close to measuring up to him. This is seriously ruining my social life. I was actually laying in bed making out with this guy like a week and a half ago and I stopped and just looked at him and he asked what was wrong and I said, You're not Kyle. He was really cool about it cuz I told him all about it and everything, but I felt really bad. What if I never get over this. I guess I'm just scared to move on to another guy, cuz I know that if I started dating someone else and I ever had the chance to do anything with Kyle, that I would cheat on whatever guy it was just to be close to Kyle again.

Anyways, Aspen and Jay came down this weekend and it was pretty fun. They are both pretty cool. I didn't go out or anything on Friday, but on Saturday I partied hard core to make up for it. Me, Heather, and Austin got a 12 pack of Bud Light and went out of town to this really creepy old house and drank for awhile. Then we decided that the night would be so much better if we were high. So Austin called his friend Josh to see if he wanted to smoke with us. So we drove back to Heathers and drank the rest of the beer. Then at like 12:30 we decided to go to Powell. We got there at around 1:15 and went to Josh's house and they were all sorts of fucked up. It was just like eight guys sitting in the living room, not saying anything, just sitting there staring at each other. So we went and drove around with Josh and smoked the rest of his weed, then went to Burger King, then back to Josh's. Me, Heather, and Austin sat in his kitchen and drank Canadian Whiskey for what felt like 4 hours. I was so fun, then we went back to Burger King and went home. I don't know why I got high cuz I don't really like it. I get cotton mouth, paranoia, uncontrollable shaking, and my eyes get all sorts of fucking weird. Anyways, it was an overall good time. Luv yas

So This is Love

Misty had her baby today! She had her at around 1:30 this afternoon. She named her Kylie, (I don't know if that's the way to spell it) and they haven't picked a middle name or anything yet, and I left before they wieghed her and stuff, but I'm going back up to the hospital at 6, so I'll post more later! I'm so happy! All my love. . .

Young and the Hopeless

I haven't posted anything new in a few days, so I figured it was about time. Nothing really new and exciting has happened, but I did have a good weekend. I think I'll tell yall about it.

On Wed. (we didn't have school on Thursday or Friday) I stayed home and chilled with my friends, Brit and Shannon. Me and Brit talked about sex for like an hour and shannon just sat and complained about how she's going to die a virgin. Then on Thursday I went out with Heather. We drove the long, grueling 20 miles to Powell and went to Blairs parking lot to see where the parties were at that night. ( This is like the meeting place for all the parties, I don't know why) Anyways I saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in forever. Like my cousin, Levi. I haven't see him since like December. And my friends Robby and Josh. Robby went to jail for awhile for all his MIP's so I haven't seen him in a long time. My friends, Aliana and Rachel. And the best of all, I saw Kyle Benander. ( This isn't my ex-boyfriend, it's a different Kyle) Anyways, he moved to California in like Sept. and he's came back for a couple weeks. But he is so fine you can't even imagine. OMG. I wish you knew him, cuz then you would be like, you lucky bitch just cuz I got a hug and got to talk to him for a few sweet minutes! Then we went to Maverik and guess who I saw? It was Kyle, my ex. He was in some truck with some guy I don't know and some girl. Then he said hi and everything and it took all that I have not to just jump him right there in the middle of Maverik, and rape the shit out of him. I'm exagerating of course, but it would of been cool. Then Heather, me, Austin (who just happens to be one of the coolest people in the world and Heather's boyfriend), Bart (one word, creepy), Chad ( my 6th favorite person in the whole world), and Chad D. (he wants me, its fun) went out of town to have a small party. We get out there and start drinking and light a big fire and everything and then we all finish drinking, we all had Mickey's 40's, and Heather and Austin decide to go have sex, but then before they can do anything, Heather gets sick. Then Chad D. and Bart light this big ditch on fire and it's like out of control. So we spent a half hour putting out the stupid fire and then decide to just go home. So since Heather is passed out, I have to drive us home, even though I drank the exact same amount as she did and I drank faster than she did. Let me just say, it was an exciting drive home. Then we get home and I help Heather into her house and she can't drive so I say I'll just walk home. If you knew my street, you seriously would not want to walk on it in the dark. Even though I know every single person that lives in every house and I only have to walk like three blocks, it's still creepy at night. So I finally get home and by that time I'm practically running to my door and I get there and guess what, it's locked. I had to sit out on my porch and bang on the door for like five min. because Misty just couldn't pull herself away from her stupid game. Then at about 1: 30, my mom get's home and Me, Mist, and Mary went to Safeway and got food. Next, Friday night was kinda disappointing. I watched Flight of the Phoenix at Austin's then went to Tyler's and watched, The Forgotten. Both were really good, but it was still kinda disappointing. O and I got to ride Tyler's go cart, which was pretty fun. Last night was probably the best night. I saw Kyle when we first got into town, which was kinda depressing, but then we went and got Austin and went over to Bart's house and watched, Saw. It's kinda weird but an overall good movie. Then Me, Heather, and Austin went to Josh's house. Everyone was just sitting around watching Corey play video games. So we left and went out of town and lit a huge ass fire and stood around it and talked for like an hour. Next we went back into town and went to the park. We played hide and seek. It was choice. I'm 16, Heather's 18, and Austin's 19. Yeah and we still played on the toys and played hide and seek. Then it was like 2:30 in the morning so we were just drivin around when I saw the BIG CHAIR. This chair is seriously huge. These people have a furniture store out of their house so they put this oversize wood chair outside their house. Now I've wanted to sit on this thing for like 3 years, but I've never been with anyone that would sit on it with me. Luckily I had Austin this time. So we all took turns sitting on the big chair. Then we went on this long as drive into the middle of no where and then we dropped Austin off at his house. We had to stop at Burger King, cuz it's the only place open at 3 in the morning in Powell. And when we got there one of Heather's friends, Ty was there with one of his friends and his friend was fine. OMG. I would of tapped that shit in a second. Then we talked about sex the whole way home. Today was kinda uneventful. My grandma called and she said that I could come stay with her for like a week in the summer, so I'm stoked about that. And Aspen called and said they would be here around noon this coming Saturday. They're only staying one day, but that way atleast if it's really awkward, at least it won't last that long.

In other news, my birthday is only like two weeks and two days away! I'll finally be 17! Yippie! I'm so so sooooooo excited. Luvs